Natasha Lamens's Cancer Blog
uhhhh.....life
Its been awhile since Ive been on here, but a lovely woman found me on facebook after reading some of my posts and it has inspired me to write again.
I work at a hospital here in Myrtle Beach, and am desperately trying to get out of there. Its toxic, negative, and seriously, more stressful than cancer.
I am trying to hard to move back home to charlotte to be closer to my dad and friends. i would love to move to charleston though…..going to PA school at MUSC is a dream to me. That or Duke :) I would be happy with either. I wake up and think about how for almost two years I fought to survive. I lost my hair, my female organs, friends, trust, the ability to tell the difference between certainty and denial. And I did it all for nothing. I hate living here at the beach. I work with idiots. Its awful. I cry everyday on the way to work and when i get home. if I had other things going in my life it might make it better. but i have no social life….i have like 3 friends here….and theyre all married w/ kids. no single friends to hang out with. and everyone in myrtle beach is married at like 22. no pluthera of single men. uhhh…..
cancer was more fun than living here. this place, my job, this stress…...it makes me forget about cancer….not in the good way…..it makes me take it for granted…..does that make sense? it sucks the joy out of the inspiration. it sucks the joy out of lessons learned.
and people dont understand. when you are lying there, covered in blood, and they tell you that youre cancer spread and youre 25, you think of so many things. you think of that one guy youve always loved, you think of your parents, your dog, you dont think about bills, or car payments. or that bitch at work who talks shit. you think about the things that really matter. and i need to start remembering that. even while things are sucking as much as they are. but u cant just call up those people and say….ya know what? i almost died today, and i want you to know i still love you. i dont think anyone loves me enough to look past the awkwardness of it all and see what it is im really saying. can you do that? i wrote this letter to this ‘boy’ and I have it saved, and I look at it every now and then. Can you just call someone and say, “look, i love you and always have. and even on your worse of days, im somewhere in the world thinking how amazing you are” no…..people will think youre crazy. or will they? im to young to have to think about this. i should be on the same level as 25-26 year old idiots. dating, drinking, etc. being mature sucks ass. it sucks going to work and walking in a patients room who is FIFTEEN having her SECOND child…..god gave her a uterus? SHE GETS A FUCKING UTERUS? are u kidding me? But me…..me….I dont get one? Eff.
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